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Soul Searching

So recently watching a cute movie and there is this one part where the guy's sister calls herself "the faller, one that doesn't make the grade,that trips up". This was heartbreaking. I think we all hit a phase in our lives when we think we have somehow failed or have become the screw up in the family. We make choices that are usually not always the greatest just to see what happens, like a "what if". What if I date this fun person, it might work out...NOPE! Maybe I'll try this job because I don't want anything serious to have to really PROVE myself, or because the money is good but the environment sucks or you deal with abuse because you undervalue yourself. To be honest, I think we all hit that "phase" in our lives. We end up "weeding out the bad" in our lives, just so we can find our "happy", to find what works best for us and yes it happens at any age. Mind you, if you haven't tried to fix or understand a lot of "self" issues (self love, confidence, self acceptance, whatever you want to call it) you aren't going to find happiness in anyone or anything else. You'll keep making the same mistakes, having the same arguments, going through the same unhealthy relationships, staying in the same lame job that you are too good for because you do not see your value, your true worth. Sometimes it takes time for you to realize it, sometimes you have to exhaust yourself in order to move on, move forward or jump ship to something new. Sometimes it takes that "new" career or job, new relationship to get an appreciation of where you are vs where you were. Why wait? Take notice. Are you really happy with you? Are you really happy with your situation?

I personally have been doing a LOT of soul searching. Trying to find my place and what works. From relationships that feel "mandatory" because they are family, to the friendships that have run their course, to the old objects that are just shadows of what once was, or a reminder of someone dear to me but is collecting dust and taking up physical space because I cannot move on, move forward. Trying to get out of this stuck place sucks, trying to find my voice, find my path. At the end of the day, I still feel like I'm searching and it is truly aggravating, frustrating. I know I'm not alone here which is why I can put this out there, but it is lonely and it still sucks. I have come to terms that if I wouldn't treat someone important to me like my children or a best friend in this manner, then I need to not treat myself this way, and not allow myself to have relationships with people who mistreat me, and let things go that just don't make sense in my life anymore. I need to turn the page, end the chapter and start fresh. Cherish the memories of what once was, because they are wonderful to look back on from time to time with love. Not resenting what is now and being okay with the fact that it no longer is and embracing the life lessons behind it all. I know what I have to do, I know what I have to say and I know what I need to move on from, now it's telling the fear and the ego to hush so I can find my voice and move forward. Give myself space, whether through my yoga practice or meditation or even just purging the tears so I can heal.

Things I keep telling myself: you aren't alone, and you will be okay. It will take a lot of courage to move forward, but in the end treat yourself with kindness because your heart is going to need it and dammit you deserve it.

I hope this entry gives you peace or some perspective as it has for me writing it. ~Many blessings

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